colon open parenthetical mark

11:01 pm

it's a pretty big deal to admit i can't have a healthy relationship with anyone, probably ever. guess it's time i start paying for therapy. something i resent on principle. life fail.

Current Mood: anxious

09:45 pm - p.s. live journal.

i had a missus once. i don't know why i thought she was so choice. it was [not]right to become complicit in such a magnitudinal fraud. hello eastern germany. you had a point. fuck you. telling me it was okay to be sick was not right.

Current Mood: anxious

10:09 pm - Wahine

beautiful warm

...pink and soft

wrapped in our

GORE-TEX WICKING FIBRE WATERPROOFING SHELL

fuck they beat us

suicide waves

shit i grinned.

Current Mood: tired and mental

01:59 pm - Phone it in. You've got all night.

"Somewhere over the years; sometime during the yawning expanse between those snug years in the afterglow of a war well won and these current times, huddled in the looming shadow of a war unwinnable; someplace along the line my passion got lost, unwittingly refined from the original gleaming ore down to a banal and lusterless filing system."

- Journal of The American Ornithological Society, Fall 1983.

Why do you all get up in the morning?

What do I do when I've lost purpose in life?

People often say they can settle, said like some invocation of a minor-faith. Faith in a warm hand when you near the end. Settling for utility? What a #%@$ing pedestrian purpose.

Current Mood: tired

04:18 pm - i knew i was dreaming but i was still afraid

in metaphor i would suggest the subconscious is some ambiguous mixture of irresponsible child and catholic inquisitor. forever (as far as i can be concerned) disheveling the field of play by way of some psychological gavage. one end of this covert maw relentlessly plying me with things i need not address.

Current Mood: anxious

08:28 pm - this is not a euphemism for penises. get over penises.

curse the plough. doomed to seduce, to cut through your matt of nerves and debris. it will pierce the callous and fold you harshly outward. peel off your skin and expose all fertility. you must heave up into the day, while the sun beats hard upon the easy to wound. be embraced by erosion of hoof, heel and seed. ready to be spat upon, run rivers and be cursed. all a while, the plough is pulled on, pulled through you by man. driven through you by virile Taurus. in time it will be left to rest. there will be no more purpose. you have been sown with seed and somewhere, somewhere near, man and beast will survey another.

Current Mood: sad

04:33 pm - *gurgle*.......brainnnssssss.

it has always vexed me how alluring superstition is. i think have managed to reconcile this with my mind. i may not be spiritual but i am organic.

Current Mood: awake

03:15 pm - Dear Diary

So why do I do it? I don't enjoy it. It is expensive. It revolts me. It revolts people I love. Yet, I do it.

I have the strongest tooth paste I could find. I scrub and I scrub. I still can't get clean enough, I shudder.

There is nothing for the blood. The poor blood. The body is a sponge. What we eat, what we drink, what we entertain. Stains us.

The hot water crashing against the edge of me is little comfort. You can't clean a sewer with hot water, that's just a story we tell oursevles.

If I were a city I would be anxious and quaking.

Let bright the Bat Signal, the mantras are Mute.

Current Mood: anxious

02:32 pm - Strategy for waking up sad.

I always feel cheap when I consciously decide to action a mantra. To execute a little phrase over and over and feel its immediate effect on my emotion. It makes me feel cheap to know I'm so simple. The issue here is that it's pretty absurd that in an interest of not feeling simplistic I would avoid conducting salubrious activity.

To salt this wound to my spoiled self further I would add, this mantra will not even contain the demanded ingredients:

• A dash of ambiguity and obfuscation for my insecurity.
• A pinch of expansive vocabulary for my self esteme.
• A slither of something bitter just to sweeten the tone.

I don't need her anymore.
I don't need her anymore.
I don't need her anymore.
I don't need her anymore.
I don't need her anymore.
...

Current Mood: sick

11:07 pm

fuck that bitches! i can still cook. being able to make something that you enjoy is possibly the best kind of masturbation i know of.

Current Mood: !

07:50 pm - admission of systemic mediocrity

i have no discipline.
i contribute nothing to my community.
i am not preparing for the winter.
the only reason i work is because:
- it makes me feel needed.
- it gives me money (not for the winter).
- it's a way of keeping myself distracted from real things.

without any agency all is pointless and empty. this is decompensation.

Current Mood: anxious

02:37 pm - the lotus grows in the mud

watched natural born killers last night. wonder if that is the kind of thing they critique in a high school film class. i do wonder about the choices the director made. i let myself day dream fondly about my ex. a consequence of the film i suppose. i wonder if it means i'm getting better...or if it is another symptom of the rats relentless erosion of my back bone.

Current Mood: depressed

08:12 pm - The curse of boredom

Long stretched fields. Fences, foreign trees, row by row.

Woven in tears of those yesterday worlds. It clings to the low new sun.

White wooden church with arms of stone. Smartly cutting.

The layer of lush green lawn. The carpet of sparks.

Wrapping the earth, keeping today safe.

And you, as you were born. At its edge.

The pool is deep and full. Full of mothers sorrow.

Current Mood: anxious

08:12 pm - Schematic Hard-on

Current Mood: tired

02:55 pm - Hello Monday, I know your type!

I fight you Monday!

Current Mood: anxious

10:02 pm - Some words are harder than herding cats

Current Mood: fatigued

02:45 pm - concerning priorities

not even the pretense of elegance today. fuck the font tag. fuck the paragraph tag. i just...can't get over the idea that catering to your subconscious is equivalent to tending to a very self absorbed adolescent. maybe that's just my subconscious. plague me with dreams fucker. i have to keep us fed ... and sane (okay, the bold tag could do no wrong).

Current Mood: confused

03:53 pm - The other rhythm method (riding the bus)

"You should stand up.
We (the mature) sold
ourselves into this.
Our right to ride
like carts of fat
and lard. Dare you
loiter in these ruts
of mate and game?"

Current Mood: anxious

12:42 am - This side up.

Current Mood: agitated

03:49 pm

vanilla, you painted your neck.

expelled from youth-supple pores,

plain vanilla.

plain pain.

Current Mood: awake