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Jul. 9th, 2009

11:01 pm

it's a pretty big deal to admit i can't have a healthy relationship with anyone, probably ever. guess it's time i start paying for therapy. something i resent on principle. life fail.

Current Mood: anxiousanxious

Jun. 3rd, 2009

09:45 pm - p.s. live journal.

i had a missus once. i don't know why i thought she was so choice. it was [not]right to become complicit in such a magnitudinal fraud. hello eastern germany. you had a point. fuck you. telling me it was okay to be sick was not right.

Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: cancer bats - hail destroyer

Mar. 9th, 2009

10:09 pm - Wahine

beautiful warm

...pink and soft

wrapped in our


fuck they beat us

suicide waves

shit i grinned.

Current Mood: blanktired and mental
Current Music: Laughing housemates

Jan. 4th, 2009

01:59 pm - Phone it in. You've got all night.

"Somewhere over the years; sometime during the yawning expanse between those snug years in the afterglow of a war well won and these current times, huddled in the looming shadow of a war unwinnable; someplace along the line my passion got lost, unwittingly refined from the original gleaming ore down to a banal and lusterless filing system."

- Journal of The American Ornithological Society, Fall 1983.

Why do you all get up in the morning?

What do I do when I've lost purpose in life?

People often say they can settle, said like some invocation of a minor-faith. Faith in a warm hand when you near the end. Settling for utility? What a #%@$ing pedestrian purpose.

Current Mood: tiredtired
Current Music: Warm hum of house mate activity

Nov. 26th, 2008

04:18 pm - i knew i was dreaming but i was still afraid

in metaphor i would suggest the subconscious is some ambiguous mixture of irresponsible child and catholic inquisitor. forever (as far as i can be concerned) disheveling the field of play by way of some psychological gavage. one end of this covert maw relentlessly plying me with things i need not address.

Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: ambient sounds of the studio and city

Nov. 13th, 2008

08:28 pm - this is not a euphemism for penises. get over penises.

curse the plough. doomed to seduce, to cut through your matt of nerves and debris. it will pierce the callous and fold you harshly outward. peel off your skin and expose all fertility. you must heave up into the day, while the sun beats hard upon the easy to wound. be embraced by erosion of hoof, heel and seed. ready to be spat upon, run rivers and be cursed. all a while, the plough is pulled on, pulled through you by man. driven through you by virile Taurus. in time it will be left to rest. there will be no more purpose. you have been sown with seed and somewhere, somewhere near, man and beast will survey another.

Current Mood: sadsad
Current Music: Kinski - Your Lights Are (Out Or) Burning

Nov. 1st, 2008

04:33 pm - *gurgle*.......brainnnssssss.

it has always vexed me how alluring superstition is. i think have managed to reconcile this with my mind. i may not be spiritual but i am organic.

Current Mood: awakeawake
Current Music: Built to Spill - Goin' Against Your Mind

Oct. 5th, 2008

03:15 pm - Dear Diary

So why do I do it? I don't enjoy it. It is expensive. It revolts me. It revolts people I love. Yet, I do it.

I have the strongest tooth paste I could find. I scrub and I scrub. I still can't get clean enough, I shudder.

There is nothing for the blood. The poor blood. The body is a sponge. What we eat, what we drink, what we entertain. Stains us.

The hot water crashing against the edge of me is little comfort. You can't clean a sewer with hot water, that's just a story we tell oursevles.

If I were a city I would be anxious and quaking.

Let bright the Bat Signal, the mantras are Mute.

Current Mood: anxiousanxious
Current Music: The ambience of grinding teeth and whining machines

Jul. 27th, 2008

02:32 pm - Strategy for waking up sad.

I always feel cheap when I consciously decide to action a mantra. To execute a little phrase over and over and feel its immediate effect on my emotion. It makes me feel cheap to know I'm so simple. The issue here is that it's pretty absurd that in an interest of not feeling simplistic I would avoid conducting salubrious activity.

To salt this wound to my spoiled self further I would add, this mantra will not even contain the demanded ingredients:

I don't need her anymore.
I don't need her anymore.
I don't need her anymore.
I don't need her anymore.
I don't need her anymore.

Current Mood: sicksick
Current Music: 65daysofstatic - The Destruction of Small Ideas

Jul. 16th, 2008

11:07 pm

fuck that bitches! i can still cook. being able to make something that you enjoy is possibly the best kind of masturbation i know of.

Current Mood: enthralled!
Current Music: The Stooges - I Wanna Be Your Dog

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